tiistai 1. maaliskuuta 2016

...

I applied to this short film through facebook page and I was asked to do a little video clip. I did. The best I could. But still thinking I am not going to be chosen. Afraid if I would be.

Well, I got the role. A role of a girl who is exactly like me. Shy, unspoken in a group. Outspoken, strongworded and bubbly in her mind.

I was surprised, very happy. Maybe this little 3 minute video would lead me to something greater. I was secretly hoping that luck would knock on my door. When it did, I was afraid to open it

I told a little white lie. ' Sorry, I am not able to come. You pick someone else to play the role. Thanks anyway."

Only reason why I did not go is that I simply am afraid. Of what? I am afraid of something I can't even name what.

Was I afraid of the co-characters, other people? I don't even know them. Do I think that they are as bad as the people who turned me this way?

Was I afraid that I would suck and they would tell me straight to my face.. Or that they would not say a word but I could still read it from their faces. I too often intepret facial expressions, voice tones and looks. 99% of the time my conclusion is wrong.

This is not just about saying no to this role, it is something more. This no has big strong roots that lead far away. Who am I blaming for this? Who am I to blame that the bubbly little girl that I was turned into this kind of a sucker?

My parents? The fact I chose a school because it was lovely countryside school? The fact I did not change school when it all turned to shit? Am I to blame the fact that I  was so sucked out from all courage to choose another senior high? Am I to blame myself for letting it all happen? Am I to blame the poor souls who did not know how to treat another human being? There is noone to blame, nothing to blame. There is no reason, no answer to my question why. There is just little things after another that lead to this. And I am afraid that if I could have the chance to ask why. They would say nothing ever happenend. It is your imagination. I am afraid that I am broken without a reason.

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